i feel like getting a fisheye 2.
heh.
im having serious bouts of self-hate again.
sighs. shall not rant about it here.
its because of my parents la. dammit.
my parents are acting so childish and annoying la.

apparently, they went to malaysia late one night, and they had to miss
their favourite indoneasian soap drama tv show,
so momma asked me to record it on tape for her while she was away.
okay fine, i know it starts from ten pm, so i just left the tape recorder on
till around midnight, cos i dont bother to keep watch over it.
then she got home around the same time, and screamed madly at me,
for what? because the show was over and i left the tape recorder on.
then i told her, well, at least i recorded the whole thing and you
never told me what time to stop.
and guess what she did.

she grabbed a stool and those foldable chairs and hurled it at me.
she screamed and threw things at me.
then i shout back, "its just a tv show. youre overreacting la kay."
she just keep throwing things and almost wanted to beat me up with the belt kay.
i just wanted to leave home at that point in time
and go to that carpark and cried my heart out like last time.
gosh, it even brings me to tears writing this.
just have to get this off my chest.

my dad is another case. i was speaking to him about, when can i resume
driving lessons again. then he talks about irrelevant stuffs like recession,
inflation, barrack obama...etc...etc... when i asked him again,
he said i gotta wait cos he has no money to pay for my driving lessons again.
okay fine, i can understand. i have all the time in the world to wait.
but, then last night he just bought a dvd player for about 250 bucks
for what? to record the stupid indoneasian tv show on cd.
he explained saying, it was cheap and on sale.
ohh, driving lessons are cheaper dad, like about 100 bucks.

retarded la kay. am i a very demanding daughter?am i?
am i too materialistic for them? i dont get it.
at least im not like my sister, who keeps demanding for dslr,ipod.
you dont need to have an ipod, or some bloody dslr la kay.
to me, its what inside that counts.
like, so what if i dont own an ipod till now, what matters to me
is what kinda hot and rockin' music i have in my handphone.
and so what if i dont have a dslr, i have a sony cybershot (which is currently missing):
but heck, it can create some great effects too and it
doesnt have to take sharp or clear images.

i wanna get a job asap, so i wont have to see my parents most of the time.
i saw a job vacancy at forver21. i dont mind cos its very convenient for me to go vivo.
but like, im sure they will only hire pretty girls with flawless skin,
which leaves me out of the category):
i've always wanted to be like, a style advisor at topshop or river island.
ohwells, i guess i was never cut for the boutique industry.
i dont want the f&b industry either.sighs.
maybe some admin job, i guess.

at the same time, i feel kinda guilty that
i should be doing something productive, like there is 80% chance i wont get to
a local university and i would have to repeat jc again.
i guess i dont mind it anymore, seriously.
i have only myslef to blame. i know i could have worked harder for a levels.
i guess i kinda lost most of my fighting spirit after prelims.
like battling a lost cause. its okay la, i guess.

i think its because back in sec 3 and 4, i have two great friends beside me in class.
whenever im not sure, i juts have to turn to the side and zhiling
can explain to me everything again and again.
or jamien beside me will always ask me, "hey did you understand or not?".
i had so much help from my teachers like,
mr siew who would teach me till ten pm during those night study programs,
come to house every weekend to teach me math.
and mrs ho, who had confidence in me.
and mr leong who will patiently sit beside me and teach me slowly.
and miss lim who gave me the confidence to not give up biology
although i kept skipping her bio lessons.

jc is like, suddenly, no one is there to help me automatically.
its like teaching a baby to walk, then suddenly throwing the baby into the water to swim.
and like, im surrounded by smart people who are all competing with each other.
jc tutors dont have so much time to spend with you
and i always feel like, its every man for himself.
many times i skip school to avoid facing all these stress.

now i know whats a levels like, i think i can take it again.
and i can do better and handle the stress better.
oh god, though i think you hate me but i dont mind that you do,
i will just say a prayer that i just wanna do well enough to repeat jc again.
i dont wanna be stuck with no where to go.
thats all i ask for.that will be the best b'dae present.
yeap.

10:18 AM